A few posts back I mentioned that I was working on some things about myself that I wanted to change, and a few of you picked up on that, (thank you, love you all) and asked me about it on Tumblr. (Quick question: does everyone prefer Tumblr talking to me because it is anonymous? Or is there another reason? ie. my comments don't work or something I hadn't even though of?
|how happy does this guy look!!!|
Let's start with the beginning, or some where around that time anyway, truth is I don't know where this all started so, I will estimate. As some people- mostly the ones who either know me personally, or have read this blog for a while will know, I am usually a very awkward, introverted (this is where the name came from, hehe!), and sometimes plain right rude person. I have depression and social anxiety and a range of other issues that are mere labels I have somehow been stuck with. I used to think that these labels defined who I was as a person, and as a result began to fit the characters of these more and more every day. Cutting myself off, not leaving the house, hardly ever cracking a smile, these were all things I thought were the new me. I thought that the characteristics I began displaying, I thought they were how I was going to be for the rest of my life and no doctor, or psychologist, or person close to me was going to be able to change me. It was a few months ago now that something clicked inside of me, a brain wave if you will and I realised the only person that could fix me, was well, me.
So, I had a brainwave, as I just said. I began to realise that to get better, I had to make myself better, I had to want to get better, to be a better person. I found that the best way for me to be motivated to keep getting better was to have some goals, some goals that I really wanted to achieve. So I did, I studied harder for my final year eleven exams and I devised a workout schedule. These were the first two things that I wanted to work towards and accomplish, and I knew that if I could get through my exams and keep to exercising, then in the end, I would be okay.
I did get through exams, I got up every morning at five am on the days I sat them and read through various notes to make sure I had covered most of the content. I've finished exams and year eleven now and I'm excited and nervous to deal with year twelve but it will happen and it will be alright. I have stuck to my exercise schedule, I've had to adjust and change things due to my injuries, I've also began Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Workout Guide- fingers crossed for fitness. Another major thing that has happened since I've started fixing myself- I decided on what I want to accomplish and do after I graduate high school. I have spent almost two years thinking that my destiny was to merely do a university course for journalism and that was the end of it, I never explored further, I mean why would you bother when you think you have it all figured out. It took some steps and I need to do something out of my comfort zone, but something I am really excited about to realise what I really want to do. At the present moment my heart isn't set on doing a journalism degree, it is instead set on getting out there, helping people, challenging myself and figuring out who the hell I really am. With that said, my love for writing and all things English related will not be given up on, instead I do plan to do an English degree, I will hopefully though be doing it while doing other exciting things.
I'll be honest, I still don't get out all that much, but one thing is: while I don't get out, I don't spend my time in my bed watching TV and doing nothing with my life. I exercise, I write blog posts, I'm learning to cook (yes, help us all). When I do go out now, I'll make the extra effort to talk to people, I'll start the conversation, I'll go to work in a good mood and smile at every customer no matter how much they annoy me, (yes looking at you lady who re-packs my shopping every damn time, yet will not pack it herself.). I'm not there yet, and I probably won't be for a while yet, but eventually I will feel happy with the way I am, I'll want to go out and talk to people, I won't be worried about what someone thinks about me, someone who really doesn't matter, I will be proud of the person I changed myself to be.
To conclude this post, I just want to shout out to anyone going through a similar thing to me, because you will get through it, no matter how much you think you won't, eventually you'll be able to believe that you can. I also want to let anyone know, that if you EVER feel like you have no one to turn to, and you think you can talk to someone who writes shitty blog posts and has too much time on their hands, I'm always up for a chat. My social media links are all on the home page of this blog, feel free to use them.