Sometimes, everything gets too much, everything that you're stressing about builds up to a certain point. Your chest feels like you have an enormous weight just sitting on it, you're trying to for the love of God hold everything together, trying to maintain that image of "I'm doing okay." There is a point when all of that begins to crush you, you begin to lose the fight and suddenly you find yourself crying in your bed because you cant be bothered with your shitty job, or the people that are supposed to be there for you and want to be around for you but aren't, or the pressure that your mainly putting on yourself to figure out what the hell you're doing with your future, you find yourself in an emotional mess, an emotional break down and there's nothing you can do but to let it ride out. Some people are lucky, emotional breakdowns are few and far, then you get the not so lucky ones that get to encounter the not so pleasant feelings of these emotional breakdowns on the regular. In my world you can expect an emotional breakdown at least once a week, even when you think it has been a good week and you think you're doing okay, you're not. The smallest, most insignificant thing can completely push you over the edge you didn't even think you were standing on.
I don't really know how to describe an emotional breakdown to you, its hard for someone looking in from the outside to comprehend what is actually going on, but inside the person things are breaking, strings are snapping and the thoughts just will not shut up. Post-breakdown you realise that most of the thoughts had during the event were for the most part irrational and silly, but during one, whatever you think, goes. A breakdown looks like someone falling apart on the inside, being crushed by everything that they're having to deal with whether they let on about those things or not. A breakdown looks like someone who has been trying to be okay finally realising that maybe they're not okay. A breakdown looks like the beginning of a cycle.
Lets talk about the cycle. It begins with a breakdown. Its forgivable to be mistaken that the cycle ends with a breakdown. You sob, you weep, you throw things, you get angry, you pull your hair out over the things that are stressing you, you completely break down emotionally, the cycle begins. A breakdown can last anywhere from an hour to a week. Mine usually last a night, and in the morning step two of the cycle begins.
The next step of the cycle, step two is the self hatred, the self loathing. As in 'how could you let yourself break down again?' As in 'You broke down, good one stupid.' You hate yourself for letting your guard down, for being weak, letting that front crash down around you, letting the thoughts in, letting your emotions crack you. You hate that you stopped putting on a mask, a cover up, even if just for a night, even if no one actually saw.
The cycle continues in step three, when after the self hatred comes the "I'm actually doing fine." This is like a pep talk, an encouragement to yourself to keep on keeping on, to continue pretending to the world that emotionally you are doing okay. Its lying to yourself. Its convincing your mind that you got this, even when you know you really don't. Eventually you don convince yourself that you're doing fine and things progress to the final step.
In the final step, step four you watch yourself continue on with your day your day with a smile on your face and happiness in your tone, you watch yourself parade around doing everyday things with a costume on. A costume that lets everyone around you be fooled into thinking that you're fine, you're doing okay and sometimes you begin to believe it yourself. That is until the cycle starts again, which is inevitable.
Until next time, stay lovely x
Until next time, stay lovely x