On A Mental Note

As I promised in my last post here is a bit of an update on my mental health, because who doesn't like to be a bit nosy! In a nutshell- I'm not doing that great. I've always said that my depression always has its highs and lows, and lately this low seems to be lasting a little longer than some others have. So low that I've decided to go back to seeing a psychologist- something that I hadn't felt the need to do since I was sixteen, almost four years ago. I'm confident that I won't get as bad as I was four years ago but I felt like that was the path I was taking. 

I think the main source of my unhappiness lately has been my job. When I started this job I loved it, I loved being trusted to make my own decisions and run the department how I thought was best. Lately they've been making a lot of changes and it started to feel as though I was no longer trusted with the roll that I played. This, and a severe lack of communication between the management and staff of the shop really started to impact on my health. I didn't want to go to work anymore, and when I got there I just didn't want to put the effort in if someone was just going to come and re-do all the work I'd done. Work was making me really unhappy and very anxious. In the space of two weeks I cried multiple times and had two breakdowns- at work (thank god I have the cool room futherest away!) One of the last meltdowns I had was over the arrival of quite a few boxes of cheese that I hadn't been told about but was expected to have room for with the click of some fingers- in a cool room which is already full with other arrivals I hadn't been aware of. It was that moment- the crying over the cheese, that I realised I needed to do something about how unhappy I was. So I did- yesterday, after six years, I quit my job. I couldn't believe how much weight was lifted off my shoulders once I told my boss (the one that I get along with the most) that I needed to leave because of the impact it was having on my health. Here's a shoutout to him also for being super understanding of the whole situation! So now, much to the delight of my family, I'm venturing into the family business for a few reasons. The first being that I need some flexability in my working hours, obviously I'm going to need some time off to have a break between finishing this job and starting a new one and that's something my family understand, they also understand (and encourage) that I will need to see the pyschiatrist regularly. Another reason for my departure- six years at one place! In that time I made good friends, and in all honesty I love the place and the people, but I needed a change, I needed to look after me instead of worrying about getting on the bosses wrong side. Thirdly, working in the family business will give me a chance to study. At the beginning of the year I started a course, but the hours I worked quickly became 42 hour weeks, and after that who wants to study? it became too hard to fit everything into the week and the study dropped off. With this job I'll have time throughout the day to study. So, new beginnings might mean new happiness? maybe. 

I am anxious. All. The. Time. There was a point a few weeks ago when I had multiple anxiety attacks in a week, I was emotional, I was a wreck. This anxiety caused a back injury flare up, which I now have to deal with, with weekly physio sessions. Everything just made me panic. Argument with my boyfriend? Anxiety. Bills to pay and no money? Anxiety? Overthinking, over reacting, constantly snapping, mood swings. God, we've been going through it all. I am constantly on edge, always tense, and apparently I've been carrying a lot of this anxiety in my back, which I thought was a rather odd place to carry it but hey! I have gone back to caring about what people think of me, I'll do anything I can to avoid having to make a phone call or answer the phone at work, not sticking to my normal routine at work makes me anxious- the lot. I get stressed over everything from what to have for dinner, to I haven't seen the cat in a while, has she ran away? From he doesn't even want to be around me to am I becoming distant from my family? You name it, I've probably stressed about it in the last month.

Along with all this my sleeping has been absolutely terrible- I'm awake for a lot longer than Brodie is at night and then once I finally fall asleep I wake up regularly for no apparent reason. To make that even better my boss changed my starting time from eight to seven, even less sleep every night! I began taking some herbal sleeping tablets that I found effective in a different bout of depression probably over a year ago, this time they aren't as effective and have somewhat come with some weird dreams- and I never have dreams!

Something I also started doing was taking my anger out through fitness (even though Brodie still cops it every now and then, sorry babe!). Now I go to bootcamp twice a week and most other days go for a run (yes run, I can do that now!). I mean, it doesn't always make the anger go away, but it makes me stop thinking about for a while, for another time when I can think rationally, plus it makes me feel as though I've done something productive that day! 

I think that a good sign though is that I'm actually writing this! For a while there I just had no motivation or inspiration to write at all, I just didn't want to do anything at all, so I'm taking this post as a good sign. 

Thank you for your kind messages about my last post!

Stay lovely x 

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