Okay so at the current time I'm stuck in this depression state of mind and it's so hard to make people understand some things about what's going on with me/ in my head. So I'm going to give it a shot with trying to explain them here, what better way than to post it on the Internet?
#1: I'm trying.
I think this is the most important thing that people need to understand. We are trying, we are doing our God damn best. We want to get better, we want to be happy, we really are trying to be the person that we want to be. No one wants to be depressed, no one, and you can't do much but try your best to get out of this. You can see doctors and you can do all these things to make yourself better, but in the end it's your mind that's holding this over you and we are trying to get out.
#2: I have good days.
We don't spend everyday in a bad mood, like everyone there are days when things seen like they're going alright. Just because we have good days it doesn't mean we are magically cured and depression is a thing of the past. No- good days don't usually last for long, in fact, for me at least good days are a miracle if they last longer than 24 hours.
#3: I get emotional.. Over everything.
I'm not sure about everyone else but I cry so much. I mean I already told you about the fact that I cried at work over a delivery of cheese. I can be watching a TV show that isn't even that sad and I'll start crying. I'm not joking, poor Brodie has had to deal with so many emotional breakdowns lately, over so many different things. Honestly they can occur over the smallest things but once they start you're just overcome with all these emotions and it's so hard so stop, because it gets to a point when you're not crying about what you started crying about, now you're crying about something else that's come into your head. You can't just make yourself stop an emotional breakdown- you kind of just have to cry yourself out, or you cry yourself to sleep.
#4: talking helps.
I know that some people don't believe in the power of a psychologist but talking and being open about what's going on in your head really does help. I mean talking about it doesn't make it better and it doesn't get it out of your head but it shifts some of the weight- that you don't even realise you have resting on you, it shifts that off your shoulders for a little bit.
#5: I overthink.
About everything!!! You could say one totally innocent thing and I could seriously spend all day obsessing over what you meant by it- I could have though of ways to apologise even when I don't need to, I've thought of ways to never see you again and it wasn't even that big of a deal. I can take the smallest thing and turn it into this complete different thing- because that's just how my brain works.
#6: I don't mean to take things out on other people.
It gets to a certain point where your anger, frustration, sadness, all of these emotions just boil over and nine times out of ten you take this all out on the nearest person. For me this person used to be my parents but since moving out of home Brodie has had to deal with the brunt of my emotions. I think that's quite normal- to take your emotions out on your partner, not that I think it's a good thing because it's not. But it is so hard to control all these emotions once they explode. I think that the person you take your emotions out on gets to a point where they learn to deal with it and they know how to react to this.
#7: I have days where I think I can't do it anymore.
There are days when I just want curl up in a ball and stay there, in my bed and just not leave. I want to call work and tell them to not expect me in the near future, turn my phone off, Iock the door and just cut myself off completely. On these days I have no motivation to even try anymore because after spending SO long trying to be happy and trying to be better, should it already have happened by now? Shouldn't I have done my time jailed in my own mind, shouldn't my sentence be over by now? At least shouldn't I be up for bail? good behaviour maybe?
#8: Stress pimples are definitely a thing.
As are stress rashes and stress hair loss and stress eating and stress breakdowns. Guess what? I was blessed with all of these things. Thankfully the stress pimples don't occur on my face, instead they are ALL OVER the top of my back- that's how you can't tell I'm getting bad again- my back. Rashes are a bit more rare for me, but they definitely do happen, and it usually means that the stress is pushing me to breaking point. Legs, stomach, chest, you name it. My hair isn't falling out as bad as it used to, it got to the point that every time I ran my fingers through my hair it pulled out a handful of hair, the drains of the shower were clogged with my hair, hell I had two bald spots- hence why i stopped going to the hairdressers. For some reason my stress eating has calmed down lately, in fact my appetite has majorly deceased in the last few weeks- food just doesn't have an appeal to me anymore. And we all know about the stress breakdowns.
#9: Sleep is rare.
Honestly I hardly get any sleep at all, it takes me forever to get to sleep and then once I do I wake up every so often. Everyone needs sleep- it's vital and without it, it's so hard to function properly, which contributes to feeling horrible day in day out. We try to sleep, obviously, we want to sleep, we want to be well rested but with so much stuff running around in our heads it just doesn't happen. We have to learn to function on very little sleep.
#10: You don't need to know what to say.
If I decide to let all of emotions out and talk to you, I understand if you don't know what to say. It's completely okay to just listen, you don't need to turn into Dr Phil and offer up some deep and meaningful life advice. I would never expect someone to have a solution to all my problems and just want someone to listen to me, you don't need to say anything, a hug will do.
#11: it may not seem like it, but I appreciate the people who put up with me.
It's hard to be around someone who feels like this day in day out, it's hard to deal with their emotions and their breakdowns and they're everything that comes with it. I know that I'm not and say person to deal with when I'm in this state and I appreciate the hell out of everyone that willingly puts up with me, thank you.
There's a whole wide world of things that people need to understand about depression but these are the main things I want everyone to get into their head.
Stay lovely x
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