Today’s post is just a sit down, talk about whatever the hell I want post, because it’s Boxing Day (which I just found out America doesn’t have “Boxing Day” wtf) and I am completely Christmas-ed out and just want to chill.
So firstly I hope you all had a very merry Christmas and spent it eating yourself into a food coma surrounded by people that you love, because that is what Christmas is all about isn’t it? I spent the two days leading up to Christmas with Brodie’s family at beach- which was filled with alcohol, laughter and some very sore looking sunburn, which surprisingly enough the sun left me and my VERY pale body alone. On Christmas Day we spent it with my family who stayed at home, as they do every other year because who wants to cart six children and all their presents to another place for Christmas, that is just ridiculous. We ate too much food and spent the afternoon in the backyard pool with my younger siblings. Surprisingly no one drowned someone else and no one was hurt during our water-football game. Once again, I truly hope everyone had a magical Christmas.
I feel some slight relief now that Christmas is over and the year is nearly at an end. The month of December really throws my anxiety into a spin which in turn drags down how I feel mentally. I’m a person who likes to be organised and have a routine and stick to it, and in December that shit just turns into chaos. I found myself panicked over whether I was going to have everything done on time, if I had forgotten to do something, if I’d missed someone’s present, what was going on on what days. I also haven’t been as active lately because I work out in the afternoons but the lead up to Christmas became SO busy that most afternoons there would be something on.
Throughout the month I found myself waking up to an anxiety attack in the middle of the night a few times because it was seriously like my subconscious was tying to provoke a panic attack. “Oh she’s asleep, let’s see how much she can handle before she starts hyperventilating”. Well played subconscious, well played.
I’ll be honest, I’ve felt pretty shitty all damn month. But because December is supposed to be the best time of the year and everyone’s supposed to be cheerful and merry and all those good things I swallowed the huge lump in the back of my throat and I put aside my feelings of wanting to be curled up in my bed 24/7 and pretended like I was the most merry motherfucker out there. I put myself out there a lot this month in order to fool everyone into thinking that I was completely feeling how I was acting. I went out every weekend, I drank alcohol like I haven’t drunk alcohol in over a year, I invited people over, I had conversations with people I don’t usually tend to go near. I made an effort to force myself to be merry, to be happy, to be anything but depressed.
While I was out it was easy to keep pretending I was fine because there was so many things to distract me- alcohol, food, people- I could distract myself from my longing to return to my bed and shut myself away from everyone and just cry myself to sleep. It was once I got home that I would usually lay there, eyes wide open for a while thinking about how fucking stupid it is that I have to pretend to be this person that I would give anything to actually be- to not have to hide behind this fake person and actually be her. But I’m not that person and there’s little chance I’ll ever actually be her, as much as I want too.
Now that the year is almost over I can admit to how damn exhausted I am with life. The constant nagging in my head, the anxiety, the weight on my chest, it gets so damn exhausting. But while thinking about how exhausted I am because of my mental health I had some thoughts about how I can change this. How I can be that person that I actually want to be, how I can be a happier, more confident, friendlier person. So, I’ve decided that from today (so no it isn’t a New Years resolution) I’m going to work on changing my mental health, instead of letting it run me. I’m going to be happier. I’m going to be the girl that I want to be- the one who isn’t ruled by the opposition of her own mind.
PS: I thought that I would end that with a big powerful statement and then remembered there was one more thing I wanted to chat about, how typical.
I just read an article about a mother who has been completely roasted online because she took her tree down on Boxing Day (today). Hunnies, my tree is down and packed away in the shed already- I could not wait to get that bloody thing down to signal the end of Christmas (and the cat and dog using it as a climbing frame), so I couldn’t imagine how much a Mum would want Christmas to be over as well! Here’s my opinion: the sooner you take the tree down the sooner you can sit down and think “thank fuck that’s over for another year!”