Putting It All Out To The Universe | Truthful Debrief

My name is Elyssa and I've been stuck in a mental health rut for the past month.

I've always said that mental health is an up and down process. For me I know and have come to terms with the fact that I am never going to be "cured" or "healed" from my mental health issues. I know that I am always going to have a little bit of depression and anxiety in me, and what is going on in life and the time of my life that I am in will ultimately determine if that mental illness is playing a lead role or is just an extra getting paid to look wisely into the distance in the background.

This past month has been a absolute clusterfuck (for lack of a better word) of emotions, illness and general stress- todays post is going to be a huge debrief of this rut that I have been stuck in. Because this is what this blog used to be, an open space where I can talk about my mental health struggles and hope that people can relate to it. So we're taking it old school today and we're going to talk about what's happening in life and the fact that not one of the damn things I usually do (and preach about) are working in an effort to left myself back up.

Let's talk about the main issue to begin with, the forefront of why I've been feeling so shitty lately. I have had health issues (aside from mental health) for as long as I can remember, I've been to countless doctors in search of an answer and more often than not I just get told its a side effect of my depression. Which pisses me off to know end, because I'll be feeling mentally great but physically shitty and yet this is still apparently my depression wreaking havoc over my body.
I've pretty much spent all year not feeling great, having good days and bad days. feeling great one day and absolutely shit the next. Because we are just focusing on the last month the main issues that have been happening include cramps seriously happening in my whole lower body, I'm talking stomach cramps, in my thighs, in the back of my shins, in my ankles- and magnesium spray/oil/supplements (I'm still trying them all) just don't seem to be doing anything. I have a headache that never really seems to go away, its always just there- resting in the back of my head waiting for a very inconvenient time to spring up and rage like an angry toddler who's favourite toy was put in the washing machine. I fainted in the Coles carpark, which was highly embarrassing for me and equally as distressing for my sister who came with me to shops and had absolutely no idea what to do at all. My hormones are still unbalanced (as I talked about on my Instagram the other night), I am exhausted all the time and I just generally feel shitty- so that is that.

I did turn 21 though, so that happened! I think this was kind of a big achievement for me because at one point in life I could barely imagine what my life was going to be like a year on from then, let alone to make it to 21. I was never suicidal or anything like that but I did have a wish not to exist and some parts of me hoped that I would just fade away in a sense and not have to keep going. SO, I'm pretty stoked I stuck that out. If I could change one thing now though it would have been not to have a party like we did, Brodie and I actually had a joint party and celebrated with so many of our friends and family- which of course I am so grateful for, we were both so surprised and happy with the amount of people we cared about being in one room. But I was not in a good place at the time of the party, and in the lead up to it there was so many times I just wanted to cancel and stay at home there was just a few things that went on int he week leading up that I was just not dealing well at all. Firstly, it was the week that I was really not well (and fainted in the Coles carpark), it was the week before that I had posted the "small town drama" post and there was a lot of conversation going on in town about that, a lot of people being offended over things that weren't pointed at them. It was also the week I became aware of some rumours that were going around concerning me. So you know what I did, I cut my damn hair, because change is as good as a holiday, right? I mean it didn't help with my anxiety, and ultimately I only had a few good hours of the party, but you know it happened, its over, its done, I won't be doing it again any time soon but its fine.

Next little subsection is on motivation. Not only did I lose my motivation for exercise, but I've kind of just lost motivation for life in general. But we'll talk about exercise first, I haven't stopped working out because I am so into my routine of getting up in the morning and working out first thing so it's just a kind of automatic reaction now. This is kind of one aspect that I have regained my motivation for, and I think that is because I've switched it up my methods of being fit. I don't keep to a strict program anymore, I do what workout I feel like doing every morning and that means that I don't go to start and think "God I cannot be bothered with this" it means I go in there and think "righto, what am I pushing myself to do today?" Because I hove broken away from that normality I look forward to working out every morning now. I've also started riding my bike to work every day and from there walking everywhere I need to go during the day. This just breaks up my day and means that I don't sit on my arse in my office all day every day.
While the motivation is there for exercise, I've been struggling with every day life motivation. I have no motivation to push myself out of my comfort zone, to write, to be on social media, to just exist in general- because everything in exhausting, it feels like everything just adds to the weight on my chest. I still do it all obviously but everything just takes a lot more effort than it should.

This section is what you really clicked the link for, isn't it? Certain people will without a doubt only have clicked this to see if I am "depressed again", and do you know what I am totally fine with that because truthfully I can say I am not "depressed again". I think a lot of factors are taking a toll on my mental health, as they would for anyone I would assume. I don't think this is me being "depressed again" or having a mental health downfall. I think this is me taking time to readjust and check in on myself, this is my bodies way of saying it's time to start think about myself again. I think I am at "normal levels" whatever that is of anxiety and depression, maybe I should have said manageable levels, I am not sure. Look, lets put it this way I am not doing great, but I am not doing horribly bad either, I am in the middle.

My anxiety has been taking quite the toll on me lately I will admit- it's been the reason I've been so lost and a little bit confused. I get a lot of social anxiety and I always have, it's never been around big groups of people, it's always been the anxiety I get when I'm in a small group of people. Lately, I've been at a point where I don't like walking into places by myself or I don't like making phone calls to people. I've also had a lot of stress over money and life which is not helping either. My waking up in the middle of the night in a panic has started happening again and sometimes I just need to take a day or two to centre myself and remind myself that I can't let this anxiety consume me.

I think I am writing this as me putting it out to the universe that this is not how I want to feel anymore. I am putting it out there that I want to be in a better position and to feel better and to be a better person. So this is my release statement, that I feel like this now, but from this point forward I will end 2018 not feeling like this. I will make the most of the rest of the year, I will work hard not only with my physical and mental health, but I will work hard to reach the goals that I want to reach.