I feel like the title may have been a little bit over dramatic, but this is a confession because its not something I have really taken about on the blog and in fact, I HATE talking about it in real life. But it is something, that if I talk about it, it may bring another person the relief that they aren't the only one experiencing this.
|Please accept a photo of me not looking stressed and anxious AF because I didn't have another cover photo.|
I talk about being stressed, anxious and having depression very openly on this blog. I am very open about it all- my triggers, how I cope ect ect. One thing I don't open up very much about is that when I become a stressed and anxious wreck for an extended amount of time I develop a stutter,
This has happened a handful of times, the first time I noticed it was back in the days when I worked at the local supermarket, when I was VERY stressed about the people I worked with and the shit they were putting on me.
I would stutter my speech a lot and once I started noticing it I became very self conscious of the fact that it was becoming quite apparent.
Brodie would assure me that no one was noticing it and I was just making it worse in my head. THEN one day my boss said something about it- he actually pointed it out in front of not only one other person but three.
I was mortified.
It was after handing in my resignation that I started realising that my stutter was leaving me and eventually it left all together. And I stayed gone for months.
The next time that my stutter showed up was around the end of 2016 and it lasted for a few months. I spent my two week holiday cursing myself every time I would stutter and finding myself trying to keep myself from talking out of fear that other people would notice the stutter and judge me for it.
That time was stress induced as well, I was completely and utterly stressed about money at that point, and I am sure thats what brought the stutter one. It was also worsened by the anxiousness that came from being away from home for two weeks.
We noticed my stutter developing again over the last few days. It starts out just once in every while, it seems like its just the normal slip of the lounge to other people, but me I notice it straight away. Progressively, the more I get anxious and stressed (which is made worse by the actual stutter) the worse I start to stutter.
This is one of my biggest insecurities and something I cringe when I talk about, seriously I am cringing right now- the whole time I am writing this.
Is there anything to back this up or am I just weird and making the connection with anxiety and stress with a stutter out of thin air?
I Googled, because I was worried that the latter was true. Thankfully there is information available that stuttering and stress and anxiety can be linked.
Its called sudden onset stuttering because I never had speech issues as a child which is usually when speech problems like stuttering arise. It can be caused by two things:
- neurogenic issues (meaning the brain is having problems sending signals to the parts of the body that have control over speech)
- psychogenic issues (caused by emotional issues and stress)
Can you take a wild stab at which one would have caused mine?
Have I seen a doctor about this? I sure have, because as with everything health and mental health related its always better to see a professional and get things cleared up than to use the internet.
I saw my GP the last time I started stuttering, I was ready to start seeing a speech therapist every week and get rid of this damn thing. But that was a little bit over dramatic. My stutter isn't that bad, its considered mild and since it only comes about, about once a year at best it isn't something I need to see a speech therapist for.
So, while I don't need to be treated for it specifically, it is a sign that I need to stress less and work more on my anxiety. Which is hard when the actual stutter is causing my more stress but I need to push through because I know it will only last for a few months at most.
I also need to work on reminding myself that while I notice every single time I stutter and curse myself for it- other people don't pick up on it that often, well at least if they do they don't say anything about it.
The point is, mental health can be more than just mental, it can bring out some traits that make you even more stressed, give you more anxiety, make you feel worse but the root cause is your mind. And it sucks that your head is working again you so much but we can keep pushing forward and working on our mental health to feel better and cope better.
If your mental health is bringing you down, bringing out characteristics that you don't love- I get it. Join me in holding you head high and pushing forward.