Yet again, I am posting this WAY after I was scheduled to, in fact, I am 26 weeks currently, wiring about being twenty weeks pregnant. Oops. Although I feel like you should have expected this from me by now, we have known each other for a few years.
"Are you even pregnant?"
The most common thing I was hearing at twenty weeks was "you're not even showing yet!", actually at 26 weeks, I am still getting that, except only when I am wearing baggy clothes, which is all the time. People just loved to point out that I didn't "look pregnant". It was not made better by the fact that around me, other people were also pregnant, less so than me, and it was noticeable that they were with a child. I was not fretting about being small though, I was still fitting into most of my clothes and look.. that was a win for me.
Tired. All. The Time.
Comparing how I felt at twenty weeks to how I feel now at 26 is quite different. I was SO tired at 20 weeks, I was sleeping in late and struggling to not have naps during the day. I was craving sweet food for a quick boost of energy to keep me going, which was not leaving me feeling great afterward (I have always been someone who gets sugar crashes!).
Are you in there?
I hadn't felt him move yet, I wasn't showing and I was only halfway so I was still not really in the headspace that "oh, we're having a baby." It didn't really feel THAT real. We were buying clothes and cots and bassinets and we were seeing him on the scans but I didn't feel the connection that there was a little life growing inside of me. That only started happening when I could recognise his movements and was starting to show a little bit more.
Now that I do feel his movements it makes me incredibly anxious and worried when I can't remember the last time he moved, or if I convince myself that he hasn't moved around in a while. It has been more than a couple of times that I have laid down willing for him to move so that I could put my mind at ease. We purchased a doppler at the beginning of pregnancy but never used it because I knew if it was too early to feel a heartbeat I would get myself in a state, so we just didn't even make it a possibility for me to do that. Now that he is bigger, I do sometimes grab the doppler out and check he's still beating away in there.
When I went to my GP and first said "hey, I am pregnant!" we decided that I would stay in his care for as long as possible for my mental health. I had established a relationship with him, I was comfortable and I trusted him. He also knew anything and everything about my mental health, so I enjoyed not having to relay old information all the time. At 23 weeks, the time did come for me to be handed over to an obstetrician and let me tell you, I was calm on the outside, but on the inside, I was anything but.
With my GP, we decided on a private clinic that I could go to that would give me the support I needed both for the remainder of the pregnancy and afterward when the baby was here. So, far I have only had one meeting with my new care providers (COVID things!) but I already feel comfortable with my decision, which was something I was really worried about. I am not someone to stand up and say "I'm uncomfortable, let's change." so if I was struggling I would have "toughed it out" and really not enjoyed my experience.
That Instagram post.
A couple of weeks ago now I posted the following caption on Instagram (@the.anxiousmumma if you don't follow):
"I’ve been wrestling with the guilt of not enjoying pregnancy. Everyone keeps telling me how much they loved being pregnant and then raise their eyebrows when I say I’m not loving it.Don’t get me wrong I am excited to have a little baby boy, but I’m also excited to not be pregnant anymore.
Am I broken for not enjoying this time? Should I be pretending I’m enjoying being pregnant so people stop raising their eyebrows at me?"
And SO MANY women came back to me and said they didn't enjoy pregnancy either! It made me feel not alone, not broken, and relieved that I am allowed to not really enjoy pregnancy all that much.
I was struggling with these thoughts popping into my head that I was not having fun, that I hated this, that kind of thoughts and I would swat them away and scold myself. I was telling myself I am supposed to enjoy this time, but I just wasn't.
Some FAQ's I have been getting!
Are you still on anti-depressants?
Yes! Myself and my care providers have deemed that it would be more of a risk to my mental health to go off the medication, so I will be staying on them for the duration of the pregnancy.
Do you feel guilty about being on anti-depressants?
Nope! I think I have done the best thing for me and the baby because he is going to have a mentally stable mother who is able to care for both him and herself better because of the medication.
Did you feel gender disappointment?
Not really, I had always felt like I was having a boy so when they confirmed it I was just happy that Brodie was happy!
I have decided to keep most of my pregnancy and child-related content to a new platform on Instagram entitled @the.anxiousmumma, if you are interested please give it a follow.