Let's Talk About It… ADHD Masking
Let’s Talk About episodes of The Introvert Archive are deep dives into subjects and topics that are usually more taboo to talk about. Think along the lines of mental health, sex and sexual relationships, women's health and anything else you’re not “supposed” to talk about. (Supposed was in air quotes by the way). You’ll be able to identify these episodes with the title “Let’s Talk About” followed by the main subject of the episode.
ADHD stands for Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and it is defined as “a developmental disorder that begins in early childhood.” Typically someone with ADHD has trouble paying attention, controlling impulsive behaviours or being overly active. There are no known causes or risk factors of ADHD, but some studies are indicating that genetics plays an important role.
I am actually going to do another episode on the process of being diagnosed with ADHD as a woman because I was diagnosed last year at the age of 25. And I know that it can be a difficult process that is extremely frustrating and expensive, so I want to share how went through that process.
Before we get into the main subject of ADHD Masking I want to give you some facts about women with ADHD in Australia, because I am sure you have noticed the rise in numbers of women being diagnosed with ADHD. Mia Freedman, Abbie Chatfield, and Em Rusciano have all come out and talked about their later-age diagnosis.
It is now widely known that ADHD has historically been underdiagnosed in women and girls, with the disorder stereotypically being a young boy's disorder. According to Health Direct, one in twenty Australians have ADHD, and it is still underdiagnosed in girls and adults. As well, more than three in four children diagnosed with ADHD still have the symptoms as an adult.
An ADHD diagnosis in adulthood, especially in adult women is becoming more and more common, especially thanks to social media platforms like TikTok where women are sharing their experiences and other women are relating and realising that “hey! I’m not the only one!”
When I was diagnosed it felt like everything started to make sense, there was no huge profound moment, but it helped things make a little bit more sense. My psychiatrist explained masking to me, she explained that perhaps one of the reasons it had taken 25 years for me to be diagnosed was because I had perfected the skill of ADHD masking.
ADHD masking is also known as “Impression Management”, it is someone who lives with ADHD presenting in such a way that makes them seem like they are not living with the disorder. It is basically copying the behaviours of other people in order to avoid being stigmatised, to fit in and to feel more accepted.
For me, masking is more of a coping mechanism. Some behaviours I used in order to avoid seeming “different” or breaking unspoken social rules. A lot of it is about blending in and not alerting people to anything different about me.
Over the past couple of months, I have been writing a list on my phone of different things I do to mask my ADHD symptoms, after 25 years I have gotten pretty good at it, so it did take me a good couple of months to identify my masking behaviours. But it was all in the name of content so here we are.
This one started in high school and I remember it so well. I always felt too sensitive, it seemed like everything I felt was too much, and it is still like that, but in high school, I just set myself like a rock. I blocked any and all feelings out, I told people I had no feelings at all, and I was set in stone basically. It was like there was no in the middle, I was either going to feel too much, or I was not going to feel at all.
I obsessively organise to cover up the fact that I lose, misplace or simply forget things so easily. You don’t want to know how many diaries and organisers I have in an attempt to just keep everything in line. If it’s an appointment and I haven't written it down or set up a notification on my phone, I am going to forget it.
Another organisational one is that I set myself these strict routines in order to avoid being all over the place. But when one thing goes awry that is it, I will basically let the whole day fall apart and I just have to hope that what needs to be done, gets done. This one is especially true for my morning routine, if I don’t get up at whatever time I have set for myself, that’s it, I’ll let myself stay in bed until 11 am because I’ve already missed that deadline to get up.
I consciously have to make myself not interrupt or talk over people, because something pops into my head and it’s like I have to say it right then and there. When I am having conversations I have to make a huge conscious effort to let the other person finish what they are saying and let other people have a turn.
I think I have forgotten my own personality because I will change mine to suit the social situation so that no one notices anything about me. I’ll vibe off someone else's personality, behaviours, and what they say, so that I fit into the situation and don’t stand out for whatever reason.
If I am making eye contact with you, please know that it is forced and it is hurting me. I hate making eye contact, but will force myself to do it so other people don’t notice what a struggle it is. During this forced eye contact I will also get self-conscious about how much time is considered weird to be holding eye contact, and then I’ll start looking around the room, and question the whole experience.
Rehearsing before going into social situations so I say the expected response, or react in the expected way. I will think of all types of different scenarios in my head and prepare myself for how I am supposed to act, or what I am supposed to say so that I don’t say or do what I feel natural to do. It is the exact reason I hate surprises.
Focussing too hard and excessively write notes when someone is talking or presenting to me because I struggle to take things in and will most definitely forget it all later. On the outside, I look like a keen learner, on the inside, I am barely paying attention.
Taking on too much responsibility and completely overdoing it so people don’t see that I am struggling internally. I want to seem capable and reliable and so I take on roles and tasks and projects as if to say “Hey! I am nailing living with ADHD.” And then when I sit down and think about the fact that I am very overwhelmed I feel guilt and shame.
Always being conscious of showing stimming behaviours and making myself stop doing them. Tapping my fingers and bouncing my legs are always two of my big ones and I will consciously watch myself and make myself stop doing them so no one notices.
Sensory overwhelm - I will sit there and take it for as long as I can, and then get up, wait until I get home, AND THEN meltdown. I will NEVER do it in front of other people or do anything about it in public, I will sit there and just endure it until I physically can not anymore.
And for my final point, (although I am sure there are many more that I do), I will wait until I am perfectly comfortable, like at home with my partner to release all the energy that I have been squashing down inside me all day. He’ll get home tired from work and I’ll be this huge ball of energy because I have been pretending not to have it all day.
I think masking is different for different people, but I think I have become so ingrained in these behaviours that it is hard for me to turn them off. I know that they are so hard to maintain, and really contribute to the exhaustion and burnout that I feel, but I don’t think I can stop them, and I also don’t know who I would be without them.
Thank you for tuning into this episode of Let’s Talk About on The Introvert Archive podcast! This is an EJG Creative Pod Co podcast.
